Yeah. I think sometimes even happy, smart & somewhat sane people like me (or at least, that's how I see myself) get so overloaded that they can't help but shut down mentally and react purely on instinct. I've got too much on my plate. It is overflowing. Some of you know what I'm talking about -- my marriage and work feel like they are falling apart, I struggle with how my pain affects my children, etc. Have growths on my back to be biopsied, some new funky illness to be tested for (IC), my IBS is flaring. Getting tested for MS. I don’t sleep more than 2 or 3 hours a night EVER. Blah, blah, blah. It's hard sometimes for even the goofy "smile all of the time" people like me to just get by.
So I got mad when I heard there was yet another obstacle in my way. I can overcome it (with help!) but I was just in shock and frustrated that one more thing was thrown at me. And for once, it was something I did to myself. Yes, you read that right. I made my neck & upper back gimpy. I work from the couch from 7:30 to 4 every day. I make myself get up to do things around the house, but the last time I “stretched” I pulled a muscle and ended up in the ER. That was a year ago. I haven’t stretched since and I gave up trying out of fear. So yeah…my neck & upper back = totally my fault.
Lesson to newbies -- no matter what, get your butt off the couch. In the beginning, I kept trying and trying to move, stretch, do very small-scale exercises, but would scream in pain sometimes and take days to recover. I admittedly, threw in the towel. I tried PT 3 times (one was a water-therapy PT) and all three times, I was beyond crippled by it, but mostly because they didn’t understand what AS was and had me doing things that were extremely bad for me. Once my pain is under control, I’m going to go back to PT. NO QUESTION. But to ease some of my fears, I called and asked my doctor if she would write a note that explains what I need so that they don’t cripple me worse – and so I can stick with it. I need to.
I am so glad this is all mostly mild and that I can take steps to improve. I just need a day or two to be angry about it. Then, I'll get over it, add it to the list of stuff to deal with and get back to my job of trying to move the mountains that are standing in my way. I'll move them. With help and time.
Louise - you are awesome. I'll reply more later. I do have a huge ghetto pool – “Holly speak” for above ground monstrosity in my backyard - that I can use! It isn’t heated, but I’m in Texas so it won’t really be cold for long – once I know what I’m supposed to do, I’ll do it. And I want to start slow. I tend to jump in with both feet and overdo it with everything in my life. I think the key here will be to do a little each day until I’m stronger, then add to it. I’ll even join the KickAS fitness club.
Rumble - I made the work deadline. Whew. But now, I have to find a way to get my butt to my 6 year old's violin concert. He is 1st year, but has already caught up to the 2nd year kids and will be the only one in his class to stand up and play the songs the 2nd year kids are playing. One of the few things I do these days is work with my kids musically and artistically (we play a lot of instruments around here, and I'm an artist by profession -- it's easy to get them interested). So I can't wait to see him up there playing, knowing that even when it hurt like heck, I helped him practice and that I'm part of why he'll be beaming with pride. And I will be too, of course. My kids are the best part of me, and the very best part of my life. ;-)
I'm rambling, but I'm still sort of a mess today (obviously). I mean, duh, I knew I had AS though I try to deny it. But I kept thinking once I got back on biologics and got my pain under control, I'd get better -- that only the small amount of damage that was already done would be with me forever. It devastated me to know there was any more damage, even if it was mild. I HAVE to get back to being me, full time. I'll work my tail off to get there. I just need a day or two to be angry about it, I guess. And learn to accept it all over again.
Thanks again. I'll post more later. Less rambling, hopefully.
