i read through your responses and i think my relationship with my husband is closest to angie's description.
when i'm at my worst, like when i need help getting to the bathroom because my SI is "out", hubby helps me physically but is not as sweet and jolly and certainly isn't encouraging then. we don't talk about things during those times because its like asking someone something when they are mad and the response may be more of an emotional one than a logical one. and honestly, i just want to get through those days anyway, just want to be left alone, just want to sleep it off with drugs as much as possible.
the rest of the time we approach it in the stereotypical way you would expect two scientists to approach anything; mostly just logical.
i think i was probably lucky that my worst physical problems didn't hit until i was 35. we started dating in our late teens, were married in our late 20s, so we had been together for awhile. i think that has helped in dealing with it all. also, he has his own health issues, so that's another "advantage" i think we have in knowing how to relate to one another.
but i'd say talking and communication is important, but timing is important too. i never asked my parents for something special or if i could do something i wanted to do when they were mad at me or even if they had just had a hard day at work. i knew to wait until they were in a happy place, knew the outcome was much more likely to be a positive one. so maybe i was "lucky" to have a "moody" stepfather, taught me to pick my moments.
so, my husband and I tend to "talk" when we're both in relatively happy places, rather than when either one of us is feeling overwhelmed already.
all you can do really is try to be kind to one another, try to put yourself in the other's shoes.
still, i know that must have been a hard response to hear. but at least he was being honest with you and it gives you the opportunity to explore it more fully. but his "honest" answer may change depending on his mood at the time he gives the answer. i know for both my husband and me, our optimism for the future is directly correlated to his or my pain / functioning; i think its hard to separate the two. so your husband may not always feel this way, maybe most of the time he is far more optimistic far more of the time; i'd broach the subject again at a better time.
sue
