Hi Thomas,
I think what I hear you saying is, having grown up in a "not very compassionate environment", it's hard for you to understand compassion. We can't understand what we haven't gotten ouselves. If you haven't experienced people responding with kindness, sympathy and understanding to your pain, then it's going to be unfamiliar territory for you and seem confusing, or seem like just putting up with whining.
That's okay. I'm impressed with your openness in sharing your initial impression and I'm also impressed with your struggle to perceive things differently when you say "I'm sure the truth is somewhere in the middle". Your mind is passing judgment on what is perceives as complaining at kickas, but another part of your wants to give understanding.
And more than anything else, another part of you wants to receive understanding and help. If I understand you correctly, that's what you were saying when you said, "I need a community of people to help me through this and my cancer treatments. I can't do it alone nor do I want to try".
In the midst of the pain and fear of AS and cancer, you've realized you can't do it on your own, even though that's what you've always been expected to do.
Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Having the courage to come to kickas and say, "I need help," shows that you are strong enough to care about yourself and strong enough to get what you need to help yourself.
Stick around. You'll find a wonderful family of caring people at kickas, people who are willing to let you cry out in pain when it gets to be too much and people who are able to help you figure out how to help yourself.
We also can't give what we haven't received ourselves. As you let others support and encourage you as you go through these difficulties, your day will come in turn to help others. You'll be passing on what you have gotten.
I appreciate your honesty as you struggle with what is new territory for you, both with your diseases and with your emotions.
Karen
