Kickas.org Forums Ankylosing Spondylitis General Discussion #1 AS Web Support Group I think I need help.

.....first of all Kat..... you say Bit** like its a bad thing....
I do know what you mean about snapping at people and sometimes not even knowing you are doing it. When I do it I feel so bad afterwards. I don't like hurting those I love either, but don't know that I am sometimes. The times I snap the most I have realized are when I am in pain and keep doing things anyway. They have to get done, and I don't want to dwell on the pain at the time. Then someone will say (especially my Mom).."oh you shouldn't do that" or "are you hurting today" or any thing similar. All loving things, but it just makes me angry at the time. But I can't say "I am trying not to think about it, so please don't remind me" I dont' know why I can't say it to them, but I can't.
I hope you can get some relief soon. I wish there were something I could do for you.

(((((Hugs)))))))

Pam



"Just like moons and like suns, with the certainty of tides. Just like hopes springing high, Still I'll rise." Maya Angelou

Steve,
You crack me up!!

and.........

In reply to:

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7. Homeshopping hijinks. Get together with a couple of friends. Share so drinks and late night heart to heart chat. Unbeknowst to them this is really a Survivor contest. First one to fall asleep, grab his or her credit card and order 4 or the cheesiest Home Shopping Doo-Dads to be delivered to their home.
When they come weeks later and you get the dismayed call. Just say surprisedly that you could believe that he/she got drunk enough to order that stuff.

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I think we found a game to play at the California KickAS party

Take care,

Pam


"Just like moons and like suns, with the certainty of tides. Just like hopes springing high, Still I'll rise." Maya Angelou

Dear Kat,

I don't think you're as worse as you described, with or without AS, we always have a capability to hurt other people, with or without any purpose.

The fact that you are in pain perhaps make you more easily to feel irritated and it's very normal. It's hard to always being nice to everybody with AS condition.

Try not to feel so stressful about this matter, if you want to find some help it might be a good idea but you can also do some activities that you like and make you calm. Listen some good music, or read some good books, do whatever you like to do.

Here's some hugs for you, hope it helps .

Sinta

Hi Kat.....
Please dont be too hard on yourself. The plus to this is you have acknowledged that AS can show it's daggers sometimes. Unfortunately it's to our loved ones and friends. I know....walked down that path. Talked about it here last week.....when Goodbugs Turn Bad.....I think that was me!

We deal with chronic pain and sometimes we think we have it under control...but that pain level escalates all too often and sometimes dont quite realize we are being grumpy. It's normal for that to happen sometimes. You are a pretty sharp cookie....I admire you. You are a tough little bird. You fight hard against AS. But you are also human. We make mistakes. I had been grumpy and irritable a few weeks ago. I am now working hard to say on those bad days.....to say...."ummm.....watch out.....I'm in pain" red flag comes up.....and my family scatters like cockroaches......lol....okay! NOT that bad.....but they know mom is having rough day. My mom knows now too when I'm hurting. She says I'm snappy on those days. I never even realized I was Kat. I thought I was being ever so-kind!

Take care of yourself......we all strive to be good people. I am a Libra..the everloving scales..always want everyone to be fair and balanced...yet I had some days that I was ashamed of. But we've got some good support here at KickAS......helped me realize it's okay to have some rough spots. Smart part is realizing you have and taking steps to change it.

PS.....I liked Steve's list.....I have one to add...
11. Get picture of my old mean Rheumy and a pack of darts....and toss away.... Okay.....NOW that was grumpy!

Hugs]]]]

Toodles!
Angie

Hi Kat,

I had a great time meeting with you Kat - and you are not anything like you describe here,... and want you to know if you ever feel like getting out and about,... I'm not that far!

Hurts even more when it's directed at Mom don't it.
One time, my Mom pulled a tea towel out that was hanging over the back of my chair - this tiny movement made my whole back spasm - I was launched out of chair and crashed to floor. Even before I landed,... I could hear myself swearing like crazy at her,... like never before it was awful. She thought she'd barely touched me and was hurt. My words were involuntary,... and I was in too much pain to be concerned at the time, but rather embarrassed later.

Do NOT beat yourself up,... AS does a good job of that for us! Remind yourself of all the times you felt like taking the pain out on someone but didn't! I ask friends/family to mention it to me if I start getting grumpy,... before I start getting crusty!! Might have forgotten my meds!

Listen Kat - if the neck pain etc. is getting too difficult to cope with - it may be time for you to reconsider whether to use drugs. Stay on the LSD, but maybe add some additional control - Dragonslayer might have some suggestions as to what is least detrimental. Hope you feel a little better soon!
Take care,

mig

Hon ... not much to add on top of what all the other wise ASKickers here have mentioned, but I do want to lend my support. It's an awful feeling when you act in a way that you know (and all those who love you know) not to be yourself. For me, on top of being out of control physically, I suddenly feel like I'm out of control emotionally too. YUCK! It's like we were talking about the other day, suddenly I feel like 'it' is winning. Hhmph!

Just echoing the accolades Kat. You are a wonderful person, a great friend, and very much a granola-girl . (So what you dont play golf so well - I'm sure that Pete will forgive us one day .) Everyone that knows you has to know that something else is going on - no one will think for a moment that this is the true you.

Love and hugs -
Jeanna

PS - Glad that you have the support network on full guard. I know it's difficult to seek professional help, but I'm so proud of you for doing it. Who knows what will come of it, maybe nothing, but it's good to have 'check and balance', just in case. If there is anything I can do, please let me know.

MADE IN CANADA

Hi Chris! Thank you. I had thought that I had seen the dark side last winter and was dealing with it very well, thank you very much. What a kick in the head (to my ego too!) to realize that I'm not doing as well as I thought.

I think I'm only just starting to realize how incredible strong we have to be (I said something to that effect last winter and I'm pretty sure I'll say it again ). Sometimes I don't think I have it in me, although I know I do - if you know what I mean.

Anyway, the boss is calling and I have to do some work. I'll try to respond to everyone as today progresses.

Hugs,

Kat

Jo, thank you.

Well, one thing I've never claimed to be when it comes to my own emotions is "realistic". I, of course, am expected to be perfect, whereas everyone else is allowed to be human. I think this is one of the things I may be learning through this, I am allowed to be human too. Novel concept that.

Actually, as soon as I was made aware of how badly I'd upset the woman at work, I apologized to her. Tried to tell her that I hadn't realized what was happening and that I would try to be more aware in the future. Her bitterly stated response was, "You need to learn to relax," and she's snubbed me ever since. At this point, in her case anyway, I figure that she'll have to react however she needs to react to my apology - there's nothing I can do about that and I can't worry about it. She'll come around (or not).

I think part of the problem, here at work anyway, is that I don't like to wear my pain on my sleeve. I feel like it doesn't belong here, if you know what I mean. My office manager has some awareness, because I do try to let her know if I'm having a particularly bad day, and one or two others (my friends here) are also aware and have told me to come to them just to kvetch if I need to. But for the most part, I keep it under wraps - the whole stiff upper lip thing - so that I'm not a complete downer all the time.

I will be trying to be even more aware and realistic in my expectations of myself, tho.

Hugs,

Kat

Hi Jan! Thank you for the vote of confidence.

It's odd, even tho I know I'm in flare, I didn't actually recognize it until a few days ago? I don't know if that made any sense. It's kind of like PMS, if I happen to look at a calendar and realize what time of the month it's coming into, then I'm just fine again because I know that it will end soon and so I can be extra vigilant about things emotional. Otherwise, it's three days of hell and depression that I can't explain until my period actually starts - at which point I smack my forehead and say "DOH!!"

Now that I recognize the flare for what it is, hopefully I can be more aware.

I know how it must be for my mom, and she actually said to me when we talked about it that I'd been nasty to her a few times last week, but she'd not said anything because she was trying to understand that I am in pain and that must be why. But on Sunday, when I went out to talk to her, the first thing she said was that she resented be treated like a child because she's 62! I immediately assured her that it had nothing to do with her age and everything to do with the circumstances surrounding the incident. Then I admitted that I've been irritable lately and that's when we had a really good talk. Turns out that one of the reasons she became so upset was that my uncle was in the room when I was nasty. We're fine now, were very quickly afterward, but I'm going to be trying extra hard not to do this again. Hurting my family is not an option I'm willing to entertain.

Anyway, gotta type for the man again. argh.

Hugs,


Kat

Hi Kat,

Are you still doing a reduced starch diet? When I first started the diet a was OK. After about two months strange emotional things started to happen. I was on a roller coaster and could not get off. Part of the reason, I think, is that I did not feed myself well enough. I elinimated starches and tried to replace them with sugars.(rather than protien) This was a Big Mistake. My body was going through big changes, and I wasn't listening as usual. Maybe some midlife crisis was involved also.

The way out for me was continued dilligence in seeking the proper diet as well as spending a very large amout of time in self improvement and evaluation in all aspects of my life. It has been over a year since then and it was a rough road that i really needed to travel. Every time I laid back and tried to get out of the work of self exploration and improvement the roller coaster ride started again. I found much help in spiritual leaders in my faith community and also found that friends that were genuinly interested in me and vice-versa to be invaluable. Talking about my problems was not something i was used to. Hearing myself was more useful than the advice. be sure to find the root cause.

Sorry that i don't come to this board often. My computer time is very limited.

With Sincere Hope,
ike