Kickas.org Forums Ankylosing Spondylitis General Discussion #1 AS Web Support Group ... and pride is down for the count

I work in the design room of a mid-size print manufacturing facility and I'm often traveling throughout the plant for one reason or another.

When I started working here six years ago, I was 215 lbs. of (mostly) muscle and moved through this place like I owned the joint. As my AS has progressed, I walk with a pretty severe limp many days and I've caught people looking from the corner of their eyes. I don't necessarily like it but I've always been able to just brush it off.

Today, though, was the first day I had to bring my cane to work. It was either that or not work at all as my right hip has decided to take the day off from supporting any weight. As I'm hobbling through the plant back to the time clock, I could almost feel every eye in the place on me. If you've seen the Willy Wonka movie, it was like the scene where he walked out of the factory with his cane and all the kids stopped talking and just stared.

Just sharing the experience with you all makes me feel a bit better about it, so thanks for reading. Has anyone else had a similar experience?

I was 38 when I was finally diagnosed and within a couple of years was using a stick with increasing frequency. I'd broken my leg during my first year of employment (that led to my diagnosis - talk about hidden blessings) so had been seen using a cane then. However, when I started using one without visible injury a few years later, people did stare.

The good thing was that it opened my employers' eyes to how serious 'just arthritis' could be, and how debilitating. That I had gone to work every day, no matter what or how I was feeling had made them think it wasn't so bad. Wen I started moving through the office, juggling typing I'd just done with my stick, it got their attention. I think, frankly, their respect for me increased because I kept just getting the job done even when it was clearly a struggle.

I stopped using a cane and started buying interesting walking sticks, which helped me have a bit of fun with it. They'll get used to seeing you 'gimping' around the floor. Hopefully, they will see the strength of will it takes for you to continue, and they will see you do it with humour. But it's weird when you first start using one.

Warm Hugs,

Thanks so much for the encouraging words, Kat!

Sorry to hear bout the hard day. Glad you feel comfortable venting. It's hard to bare in silence.

I work in a multi story library, and often hobble about. I joke with my coworkers that I am channeling my inner Quasimodo or hunchback of notre dame, or my old man. I tell people about my disease, but they forget, or often think I am exaggerating or being dramatic; That is until I start explaining A.S. and then their eyes glaze over with too much info... lol... but I get a kick sometimes out of over sharing.

If there is one interesting thing I've found from living a life with A.S. It is this.

Pain and illness forces, really forces one to focus. It's really-really easy to obsess over wishes and attempts to escape, but when that fails (and since I am not willing to do violence to myself); I have no other alternative than to do kindness to myself and let the rest go. It leaves you utterly and unapologetically NO choice.

I've discovered the rest is just fruitless, painful, revolving obsession. The only real relief from the numb (real and imagined) is to let go and refocus on small kindnesses. And is that really a small thing? I don't know yet.

I'll tell you this though; When I am worn down, and sh*& hits the fan and/or I look back.... There is a real sense of peace in knowing this through experience.

RBarnes-
It is not much fun.
And when the pain is real bad, it seems as tho nothing else matters. You are an encouragement. Diet / exercise and mental toughness adds to our control of this stinking stuff.
I use prayer and fellowship- to keep me going.
We laugh a lot in my class and take heart in knowing life does not last for ever.

I keep trying to prepare myself for the day I have to use a cane or more. My AS has been good to me the last couple of years, but the MS keeps slowly having more of an effect. I am preparing for a 1/2 marathon, but I think this will be the last one. Running is getting harder. I have to concentrate more to make sure my feet and legs are working correctly.

Life is tough, but if we stick together we will all make it.