Well of course screaming might be an overstatement, and yet perhaps not, for to wake from such a procedure and be confronted, in the flesh by Alan Parsons, well a difficult thing to take. But there he was I was DOWncast to see him there, DOWnhearted too and thought that things could only get better from here!! (this is not part of the story but a secret message to a DOWdy friend!!
But screaming I was, Pain, yes pain. I was full of morphine (you must realise that I now write is with in the faith and belief in the truths that I was told after the events. At the moment of waking I was incapable of thought, I had no awareness of who or where I was. A primeval sense within me kept saying something is wrong desperately wrong. But what was wrong. I had no idea for I had no idea of what anything was.
A 4 inch by 4 inch square appeared before me, it had vertical stripes of various greens, I knew this square, well didn't know it, but deep within I knew that this square meant something to me. It disappeared. It came and went many times.
My face hurt and had something sticky all over it i kept trying to push it off,but then it was there again. My right forefinger hurt and felt squashed. I felt tied down and could touch the ropes that contained me. The square appeared. it waivered in front of me and then was gone, what was this square, I should know this square!
I yelled out and was engulfed in remorseless pain, pain far worse than that, that I have known all my adult life. This pain wouldn't go away, I couldn't get into a position where i might relieve it a little, I screamed. My finger felt funny, what was this sticky think over my face. Then noises, then the sqaure, then the pain then the noise then the square and the pain.
It went on, day after day.
My mind reeled, I began to have thoughts things that I knew were thoughts, will it be best to keep pyjamas on underneath my suit or best to keep suit under pyjamas, I couldn't decide which would be easier, if I keep suit under pyjamas, I can get to work easier, but then what about bed time, no perhaps pyjamas ocver suit so when I have finished work I can go back to hospital and get into bed.
I dont want a shave, I can shave myself. Green square, Hilary shouting, hold his head, scrape scrape as the blade shuddered across my face. I dont want a shave, green square steady now in front of me, pain, screaming tearful pain pain pain. Who was I what was happening to me.
And so it went. Morphine is not fun, it plays with the mind, and yet without it what would that pain have been like? I had somehow worked out that 4 days had passed, had realised who I was, where and why. I knew then that I was ok now because the 4 days had passed. The green square got a little bigger. Look at yourself, look at yoursef. It could talk.
"He's taken that clip of his finger again"
I heard in the distance, Someone squashed my finger.
"Will he leave that mask on"
"Alan, now leave the mask, it will help you breathe"
"I don't want it".
"Alan hold this button, now if it hurts, just press the button. It will give you some morphine amd stop the pain"
I pressed the button like I was in the world button pressing championships, the pain continued, unabated.
This went on for hours I wanted to be dead, I didn't want to be here and didn't want to be whoever I was.
I was inthe HDU ward (High dependency unit) I had been there 2 hours, not 4 days.
ok st yourself look at yourself. It was the next day now, I had spent 24 grim agonising, sleepless hours in unstoppable agony I begged for it to stop.
The green square appeared, it was attached to other green squares which formed a blouse that my wife was wearing, she had been there all the time, look at yourself she said.
"I dont want to effing look at myself, if I had known what it was going to be like I would never have had it done, you just don't understand"
Yes I actually spoke thise silly words, to this day I can hear myself saying them and looking at Ellen, crushed by my cruelty. I regretted it immediately, even through the morphine haze, the pain, that bloo dy mask sruck to my face i knew I had been selfish and hurtful sadly I wasn't able to formulate apologetic words for the mental capacity wasn't there, I think to this day that that comment sits between us.
F=Day two, and I was alert now and because i was alert realised just how much pain I was in they were reducing the morphine, another shave from hilary, arather cool mannered humourless nurse, efficient though and extremely capable.
Then Physio arrived, and my life got a whole lot worse....