Kickas.org Forums Ankylosing Spondylitis General Discussion #1 AS Web Support Group Can people with AS get married?

Wow, a post that dragged you and me both out of the woodwork with responses the same day. I don't think that's happened in a few years! Hope all is well with you, John. Just enjoying retirement here in the Motor City. I am just wrapping up a little fun I had with my basement--my sump pump and it's backup both failed because the circuit blew for the plug they are both plugged into (a mistake on my part that won't happen again). Because, of course, I can't go downstairs to keep an eye on things, I ended up with almost four feet of water in my basement before I thought, "Hey, we've been getting a lot of rain this spring, I should probably have someone make sure the basement is dry." Huh. Good idea, bad timing.

Luckily, my basement is completely unfinished--concrete floor and walls, no dry wall or carpet--and 95 percent of the stuff down there belonged to my ex-wife and her most recent beau (a guy I became friends with too--it's an odd story, but my ex and I are good friends not enemies, we just couldn't stay married. I'm even the godfather to the two boys she and this other guy had together, and I am extremely close to the two boys, who I adore. Anyhow, it would take forever to tell that whole tale. Back to the basement . . . ). They lost just about everything, but miraculously there were a few RubberMaid bins that stayed sealed and thus dry. One of them WAS mine, and was full of very nice sports cards; I have a decent collection and thought all of it was upstairs. I was shocked and thrilled to find this bin sealed and dry. For my wife, the big find was a sealed bin that had her oldest son's first shoes, baby booties, and other keepsakes all stored together. She was thrilled to find this. And for her the other guy, his sealed bin contained a bunch of Elvis memorabilia, as he's a huge fan. So, he was pretty happy too! But, we still hauled away two huge trailers full of soaked, nasty debris that had to go to the dump. Luckily, my dad's buddies who do scrap metal with him did the whole job pretty cheap. Pumping out the water and replacing the primary sump pump wasn't cheap but could have been worse. All that's left now is having my ex-father-in-law power wash and disinfect the basement before drying it out with fans and a dehumidifier to prevent mold. I'll be in for about $3k before all is said and done.

Sooooo, other than that little disaster, life has been good. (FYI to anyone reading this: If you have a sump pump and have not put in a specific rider in your home owner's insurance to cover in-house basement flooding, you better talk to your agent because odds are very strong you aren't covered. Internal flooding like that used to be covered automatically by most companies; all of my friends and even the plumber assured me I would be covered on my homeowner's policy, and, because I have a very strong All-State policy, I thought I'd be all set too. Nope. When I called it in, I learned that almost every company now treats sump failure as a separate policy rider that in my case would have cost only about $75 a year. The rider also limits the amount that is covered, so it gets you coming and going, but it's better than nothing. I knew I wasn't covered if we got biblical rains and my basement flooded from outside sources, but it was a real kick in the teeth to learn nothing was covered due to sump pump failure. I'll be meeting with my agent next week to go over my policy to fix that situation and any others holes I might have. So, if you have a sump pump, I urge you to call your agent and check your policy--don't assume you are automatically covered.)

Wow, this turned into a classic Brad ramble . . . back to where I said I hope all is well with you, John! lol

Brad

Hey, Brad--

Great to hear from You, and sorry about the basement issues. Although I live in California now, I've had some water-related losses similar but only previously suspected, due to several moves--but just possessions and no heirloom stuff. We are doing renovations on home and getting ready to move to Reno; Nevada has no state tax...yet. Former fellow San Diegan Art Laffer said recently that "paying taxes to our California administrations is like feeding rats in your basement; it only encourages them."

During the move process, I have found what I previously suspected--I have gout!! Unable to walk, so have lost more important stuff having to pay people to toss possessions out for me; it has been a real adventure. Annie made me go to ER with the pain and instead of injecting steroid like I did in Philippines, I took oral taper pack that was almost as effective, but I HATE steroids. So, life's adventure continues--btw GSR has a nice poker group and not like I need buffets but 100% comp'd.

Sorry to hijack cooldood83's thread here, but more to support we "need" to get married for the help, encouragement, friendships, expanding our circle: I now have a big family in Philippines, where I will probably spend most of my time as things do not look so good here in USA.

HEALTH,
John

Sorry to hear about the gout, John. My great-grandfather had that, and my mom suspects that he had AS too, as looking back at the way he walked, etc. as he aged now fit that tell-tale AS pattern. Of course, at the time, we had no idea what AS was.

I felt bad about the possibly hijacking of the thread too, but after reading your post, I realized that even my flooding story can be tied back to the original marriage question, much like you tied yours in by talking about gaining the extended family. While my marriage ultimately didn't work out, as I said in the first post, it was NOT due to the AS. During the time that we were together, I do remember having many circumstances arise where I thanked my lucky stars I had someone with me 24/7 who could do all the things I could not do. Not things where I had to ask her for some specific type of help, but just things that happen out of the blue where having someone who has full range of motion and the ability to handle stairs or any other obstacle is essential. These ranged from the small incidents (having the smoke detector start beeping every 5 minutes at 3 a.m. because the batteries were almost dead--that NEVER happened in the afternoon, always had to be the middle of the night) to some very large ones (while moving a pedestal fan from one room to another I tripped and fell for the very first time and would have been completely screwed if she had not been there because I wasn't carrying a phone and could not get up by myself--sound familiar?). Having a spouse with me in SO many situations made life easier in SO many ways and really, really helped lower my anxiety levels and improved my quality of life. Yeah, we fought, and the tension between us as we hurtled toward the split was never fun, but when looking at the overall balance sheet, getting married was a blessing and it did improve my quality of life.

If you look at getting married in that way, cooldood, you can see how marriage created so many positives and thus makes it a very worthy goal for you to work toward. Always assume that there is someone out there for you just the way you are, and never let the illness trick you into thinking you don't deserve to get married, or that you aren't worthy of being someone's spouse. Once you banish that kind of thinking, then anything is possible.

Again, good luck.

Brad

Cool Dude,

My son is 29 and will be getting married next year. Who knows if he will become sick or if his fiance will get sick. We are all humans and humans become sick. In our wedding vows it says, for better or for worst and in sickness and in health. Let your loved one decide if she wants to be with you. So far none of my three children have developed the disease and they are 39, 36 and 29. All marriages are a work in progress. You might have health problems, money problems, family problems or any other number of problems that married people have. There are no for sure's. I wish you the best of luck in your decision and in her's.

Hi and welcome to KA,

Until recently, I was the only person ever in my family that had been diagnosed with AS - I am HLA-B27+. My mother was afraid it had come through her, so she wouldn't have the test done to see if she's B27+. My sister has her head under a rock when it comes to medical issues and won't go to doctors, so we don't know if the gene has passed through to my nieces (although I fear we'll find out the hard way).

However, over the last year I have had the wonderful opportunity to meet a very distant cousin of my mother's (their great-grandfathers were brothers). My 'cousin', who is now 74, has AS. So does his son. His daughter doesn't have AS. They are farmers which means that it doesn't matter how bad they feel, they have to keep going every day.

Anyway, now we know where the AS comes from in the family. My mother knows it came through her. She felt awful about it, but she can see how our cousin has lived a really good life, that his son is doing triathlons and that I, at the age of 50, am creating a new life for myself. Mum has learned that it is not her fault I developed AS and that despite struggles earlier in life, I am still able to live the way I want to live. And she has seen that someone her own age, who has lived with this for longer than I've been alive, is living and has lived a good life despite the pain.

In the end, all that matters is love. If your girlfriend loves you, then she will stand by you. If she doesn't stand by you, then you've learned she is not the woman to spend your life with - no matter how much it will hurt you to realise it. I don't blame her for being frightened, but we all make our own lives.

What disease we might have is something that will or won't develop in the next generation. We have no control over that. You might, as Brad pointed out, be hit by a bus next week. Will you not cross the street out of fear of that? Marriage is a gamble no matter how you slice it. It will either be happy or not and that will depend on the two people involved and how willing/able they are to adapt to changing situations; to be flexible, but strong.

As Sue mentioned, marriage is a partnership and teamwork is required. Where one has difficulty, the other should be willing and able to step in and help. We all have issues - yours just happen to be right in front of you.

If it's not this girl, there is another. I promise you. Don't worry about it. Just live your life, do things you enjoy, and you'll meet someone when you least expect it.

Warm hugs,