Kickas.org Forums Ankylosing Spondylitis General Discussion #1 AS Web Support Group THINGS I HAVE LEARNED.

Beloved,
Anklylosing Spond. Has been a harsh tutor over the years, 50 years since my first fever, rash, back ache and those terrible knee pains when I was working in the fields in north west Iowa. 50 lonely years, they thought it was all in my head because my blood test showed only a little Arthur. AS does not show up like most Drs think it would show up.
When I was younger, I concentrated on the pursuit, sports, self gratification, getting the other guy’s girl; you know stuff that we regret later. Because I now know I have a MS brain, my attempts to pay attention and get good grades really were good attempts, but my memory was always fuzzy and is only getting worse. But I have learned some things…I hope I can remember to tell you. The challenge and the hunt is still part of my emotional and intellectual wiring. I enjoy conquering things- like putting on my shoes in a reasonable amount of time. Picking up a quarter, when I have been walking on concrete…..
It is a challenge to travel and eat starch free food without making a fuss!
After enough seasons of life have gone by, the chase has slowed down and some things don’t matter. I have been married to my wife 45 years. I quit chasing ”other” women – 45 years ago. But I still enjoy the smell of her perfume as we sit in church and I try to snuggle a bit more than she thinks is appropriate.
When my knees went bad last October and have left me more of a gimp, I realize that the desire to hunt things down, can still ignite a fire in my belly, but I am more mature and satisfied in the preparing and the doing of a hunt than of an activity. Getting to go hunting is greater than it ever was. Kissing my wife means more every year! Getting close to bear, deer and moose is so much more satisfying than it used to be. Holding hands with my lover melts the ice of a lot of angst.
I realize, that I make the quality of my life, no one or any government can make me happy or sad. I have looked forward to being old, because I wanted to see what kind of grandkids I would have. And I knew it would take time for my son to learn sobriety. So even though like you I HAVE been in certain pain all my life, I have been pulled along by my desires to see the future, just like desire has pulled me over some rough mountain passes.
I don’t push as hard these days. I am learning to live and love what comes my way, rather than thinking I have to make everything happen. Some times through the years, I have found elk and deer in the exact same place year after year. I treasure that. Having the same wife means more to me every year, doing some of the same things that are meaning full! Memories can be so precious- they can keep us strong when we are tired and in pain! Precious memories- how they linger. I enjoy talking to guys at work who have had a good woman waiting for them for years. We discuss the future and the things they can do to express their love and commitment. Being convicted of a crime is a strong parallel to having the conviction to change only what matters.
A new fallen snow affects most everything on a hunt- AS has affected nearly every day of my life in a painful way. But it does not ruin my life. It makes me go about things differently. Telling my wife I can’t do something right now, does not mean that I am not strong or that I am not a good man, it just means that I will do it later or that…we need to talk about it.
I want some things as badly now as when I was younger, but pain and patience has taught me that waiting can bring about a great fulfillment. The other day, I stopped along side the highway, the sun was shinning, the snow was about 8 inches deep, the kid I had picked up was loving the fact that he was outside, even though it was nearly ZERO! Sharing a hot cup of coffee, seemed about as human of a thing to do as anything.
When I was younger, I thought the further I walked away from the truck, the better chance I had of seeing elk. Now I know that if I am walking in the wrong direction, I can’t walk far enough that day to put the sneak on old wapiti. Now when I say to a young man, think about what you just said- would you be saying that in front of your wife and children?? At times I listen to the herd on the Van, the intensity the jousting the grunting if you will. When dealing with the lives of others, I think it might be good for us to be as cautious as if we were sneaking up- on a critter than can see 5 times better than us and hear 20 times more things than we hear. Broken lives really are worth all the love it takes to put them back together.
When I do not get an animal hunting- I get to go another day. When life does not offer what I hoped or thought I needed; well there will be another day. Before I use crutches or a cane, I hope to hunt one new mountain pass in the Bighorn mountains. Probably my last new hunt. But that is ok, I have tremendous memories, I have done quite well. And I really do enjoy watching my grandkids learn disciplines that keep them healthy.
Thanks for reading this rather long pest. I love it here and want to encourage all of you not to feel like you have to get it all done in one day, or to be miserable because we might not have done our best or maybe didn’t get our chance……. I count it a privilege to be part of this family.

Lon

Glad I read this. This thread is gonna blow up. Really well said. I am trying to find that peace and I'm not gonna lie, it's been hard. Wish I had better words. I have a lot of respect for what you said here. You are as great as everyone beholds you.

lovely.
thank you lon.

Beautiful words as always my friend!!

Tnate-it is this site and the original intention of the founders that seems to live on in this place. thanks for reading and for your contribution to who we are.

we are family by choice
Lon

mecca-
you are welcome.
thanks for reading and thanks for your part.

Lon

fyrfytr-
as a fire fighter- you probably headed into the smoke many times; I hope my thoughts help people face their trials with the energy it takes to step up to the problems they face, so that our quality of life does not depend on what others have do as to what we choose to do.

I have not seen a squirrel for months= too much snow?

AS can be a hard taskmaster. We just pasted the 50 inch mark for snow this season. How goes your snowfall. Life is always good regardless of the struggles and where your at. Have a great day. Looks like were in for better weather for the next week. Enjoyed reading your post.

Thanks Lon

Lon,

Good post. AS is a harsh tutor, and MS is a cruel whip. But there is knowledge to be gained from them: knowledge of pain, frustration, and self-awareness. I'm glad to see that you are focusing on the self-awareness. Focusing on just the pain and frustration can ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Here's an old Irish blessing:

If God sends you down a stony path,
may he give you strong shoes.

Lon, you seem to have strong shoes.

--Greg