Kickas.org Forums Ankylosing Spondylitis General Discussion #1 AS Web Support Group Not to do with AS-Just curious

Hello everyone,
I just have a quick question.Due to the fact that I'm on this board frequently, I figured what better people to ask(and I know you will all be honest and sincere). One of my best friends(sherry's too) dad had passed away on Wed, and his funeral was today. Just one problem is that we werent even told about it. I mean we didnt get no phone call or him stopping by-nothing. I had to hear it through the grapevine. We have not been as close as we used to be due to Sherry getting this AS. She and I pretty much have been like hermit crabs for the last year. Should I be mad, upset, sad? What should I be thinking/feeling right now? I did call and leave a msg,but didnt get a call back. I dont know, but we are hurt about this. How do you think I should approach him with this? I mean I'm going to give him time but I can't just let it be, or maybe I should. Anyone have any advice or maybe been where I'm at? Let me know what you think. Thanks all of ya!!!

Perhaps the first concern should be how Sherry feels and how that may affect her normal responses.

Mayhap best to adjust your expectations to Sherry's current circumstance.

I agree with inemptwill. Yet you also have to keep your friend in mind. Since you state you have not been so very close in the past year, maybe this year was when he needed support from his friends the most.

Did you know his father, if not maybe he feels this is a family matter? Is this how he deals with death?

I would be the person who called none of my friends, as not to burden them with my grief. I would also be the person who would not place an obiturary or make a big fuss over a funeral, as I feel that the time to act is when the person is living. But that's me.

Send a card and say how truly sorry you were to hear about his father. Ask if maybe you could get together when he feels up to it. Then you have done the best you can.

As one hermit crab to another, you shouldn't expect anyone to confide in you if you are not confiding in them. I'm just fine with not knowing the details about the families of those I know, just as I don't want them to know all that's going on with me. If you want to stay in the loop, you'll have to put yourself into it and then maintain the communication required. To get back in the loop, you may want to send a card or call and give your sympathies. Then tell them how you want to be there for them in the future. Then you'll have to work to maintain the relationship.

--Greg

Might have been a private service, family only. You called and left a message of sympathy, which is good. Maybe follow it up with a card signed by you and Sherry. If you could, fixing a small dish of food to take over would be a nice thing--around the time of funerals, cooking is last on your mind when you are grieving. Or a gift card to a local restaurant or grocery store.

You may not get a 'thank-you' for a phone call. I'd just let it be regarding that. Best thing would be to pick up on the friendship now, because after the funeral and after the friends and family go home...THEN is when your friend may need to talk.

Hi there,

I think if you called and left a message of support/comfort that may be enough for now. When I lost my father, everything was moving so fast with helping my mother/travel/getting things together I did not have a lot of free time.

I stayed with my mother for a month and I can say that after 1-2 months things really change... the first couple of months a lot of people are offering help and checking up... then it goes very much back to normal and the adjustment really starts to hit as the void of the loss really starts to sink in.

If you do not hear back, I would allow some time for healing and call your friend after it has been a month... that may be when he needs you the most.

Take care,

Tim

How about send him a little something nice, with a note that you're thinking of him & available to talk.

My grandmother died recently and I was not big on talking about it. I think I told one friend as an explanation for why I was going to be out of town, and I don't know whether he told the others. It doesn't have anything to do with how close I am to those other friends, it just doesn't help me to talk about it.

Hi jmh,

I think it is pretty natural for you and Sherry to feel a little hurt in not hearing about your friend's father's funeral in time to attend and show your support.

I would consider that it's possible that your friend may be wondering why you didn't attend the funeral, just as you are wondering why you didn't learn of it in time. Often, the family in grief leaves the task of communicating a death in the family to a close family friend, who may not always be aware of everyone who should be notified. I imagine it's possible that the omission was not intentional and would proceed on that basis. The fact you found out through the grapevine is not uncommon, and not necessarily a reflection of your friends wishes. They may have thought you were contacted and couldn't attend? They may not have wanted to burden you, knowing that Sherry has been having a rough time. I'd give them the benefit of doubt, as you have by sending your condolences. Don't be hurt.

With AS, it is easy to become a hermit crab and sometimes friends feel we are closing them out, when the biggest thing on our minds is pain. Some friends are going to need help to understand, and some may never. If you wish to maintain the friendship, and it sounds like you do, I'd reach out again, even if only in phone calls and explain that your absence has not been due to a lack of wanting them in your life. If they are a true friend, they will come to understand, just be sure to give them time. AS and chronic pain is a difficult thing for some folks to really understand.

All the best,
mig

when a close family member dies, we are so consumed with our own grief, that we really aren't thinking of much else. as mig said, usually its other family members and/or friends that spread the word. and sometimes someone can accidentally not get the message.

i think the phone message was a good first step. if it were me, i'd put myself in that friend's shoes, and continue to reach out to the friend. i'd send a sympathy card, and in that card, let the friend know if there is anything that i could do, to please let me know. then as was suggested, people always appreciate someone cooking something for them. and when some time has passed, contact the friend again to see how she/he is doing.

to me, this is an opportunity to be a good friend to your friend in their time of need.

All great responses. I just lost my dad and three other family members last year within 3 weeks. We were all in a whirl. My husband forgot to tell his family that my dad died and I felt hurt that nobody had called or sent a card. It was a month later when we all met for my husbands Grandmother's memorial when they all came up to me to give me my condolences.

You never know what is involved. You both did the right thing. Everyone gave great advice.