Kickas.org Forums Ankylosing Spondylitis General Discussion #1 AS Web Support Group When being strong does us a disservice

Hi,
It is obviously a real struggle you are going through. I understand the feeling of people not really caring when you want them to. A colleague of mine I travel with a lot will be happy to come up with pills when I am in pain, like wierd stuff you have never seen, he does not know what he is doing, and then mocks me for not being able to eat the food from a menue without asking them to take out stuff etc, even though I have told him over an over again that the reason I am in pain is often because I end up eating something I should not.

As with relationship, it is such a good question. Lucky you who have children! I want to find a man and have a family, but I have not figured out when to tell someone about my condition. You basically have to give him the worst case scenario and expect him to run away. I will not be able to tolerate someone who does not want to know. You are obviously strong but definitely deserve better.
/Loha

(((Ouchpotato))) I am sending you soft hugs. I am so sorry for your hard weekend.

I am a strong person too. I think most of us with chronic disease are but there are times that I just don't want to "have" to be strong.

You shouldn't have to wear a mask around someone who claims to care for you. I would seriously way the pros and cons of having this person in my life. It sounds like you have done a really good job with your children. I don't think you want them to think that being treated the way he treats you is the way to treat a woman or to be treated by a man.

Being alone would be much better to me than being abused.

Why don't you come over to the Women's Forum? It is a good place to share.

I hope this is a day that you can relax and not feel the need to be strong.

Hugs and Blessings.

Possi

I cannot truly judge your boyfriend. I can assess him only thru what you offer.
Based upon that, it sounds a bit like the "chubby chasers" who like fat women and enjoy overfeeding them. They don't want to know what kind of health issues they are compounding and if their women start to lose weight for health reasons - they're gone. It's basically "I'll love you but only if you're willing to suffer for me" All the passive aggressive control on one side and the physical consequences on the other.

Ah, your son sounds like he will make a good partner for someone one day; he sounds very empathetic and caring. I'm so glad you have him and the other two children in your life.

My husband does most of the grocery shopping because until recently (Humira), I usually couldn't manage it very well.

So, real men do shop! Glad to see your son stepping up like that. It warms my heart.

As for your partner, of course not knowing all the details, and realizing there must be a lot of good qualities to love, it just doesn't sound like the healthiest of relationships.

I have a friend. Been friends since college. She and her husband married; she really took care of him. Then she got sick and needed him to step up and take care of her and he just couldn't or wouldn't do it. So she said goodbye to him! To me that took a lot of courage.

I'm sure you will figure it out; you've been through so much already and are so strong.

But yes, as strong as we are, its nice to have someone just as strong as us to help us out when we need it.

As inkyfingers said, Teamwork!

Come on over to the women's forum if you want to talk about things a bit more private. You can do it here if you want, but if you don't want to do it out here in the open, the women's forum is a bit more private.

I think we need to have this moved to the Womens forum so we can really talk about this.

I think Pea has a good suggestion.

Ouch Potato, if you would like it moved, ask the admins if they can do that for you.

Hi, I had no idea there was a ladies lounge! How do I ask to have it moved...on here or by PM?

PM Mig as a start?

or go to this thread:

https://www.kickas.org/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=220252#Post220252

and ask to be added to the women's forum (and ask to have thread moved if you wish)....or just start a new one there.

Ouchpotato, I am so sorry you have such a jerk in your life. Frankly, I'd get rid of him. If he wants you in his life then he'd best be prepared to take you as you come. That he isn't willing to do so tells me an awful lot about him. That he wants to glamorize your AS so he can fantasize about you ... more about that in a moment.

Your children sound amazing and they are a testament to the great mom and wonderful, strong woman and human being that you truly are. You deserve so much happiness.

Now, back to your boyfriend, when you live with AS you need a compassionate partner who's passionate, not a partner who's only passionate if you are in a wheelchair and not a partner who has less compassion than a slug. That he doesn`t want to understand your disease, or help you when you need it, speaks volumes about him and how much he really cares. That he wants you to dress in an evening gown to go test out mobility scooters so he can get his jollies ... that he insists you have sex even when you`re in agony .... I`m sorry but he needs to take a long walk off a short pier. He`s a sorry excuse for a partner and an even sorrier excuse for a human being.

I`m sorry if this sounds harsh, but the fact is that your life has been harsh and you`ve overcome it all.

And I do not agree that this discussion should be moved over to the Women's Forum. Whether male or female, there are certain emotions that we all feel, certain relationship problems that are not bound to gender. It`s not like you`re getting into specific acts. Relationships happen to all of us with AS. Some are better than others. And sometimes when we read about one another`s experiences, male or female, it`s helpful. Even if one of the guys doesn`t actually participate in this discussion, he might realise that he isn`t alone in having a partner who`s only interested in her needs and desires, instead of being interested in the relationship and the other person. I find nothing to be squeamish about in this discussion. It applies to all of us.

But that`s just my opinion. You`re free, of course, to discuss this wherever you`re most comfortable.

Warm hugs,

You go, Kat! I agree. I just had a harder time expressing it.