He announced to me this morning that I had Manchausen's disease. He said he had been studying it and has decided that I have been to too many Dr.s and have tried too many medications. That I (might be sick) but I am mental to get attention. His mother is backing this up. These are the only two people that I see as I am isolated way out of town. He is tired of taking care of me is what it comes down too.
When my dad died recently my husband went off of his anti-depressant's and was quite defiant about it when everyone found out. Most of you have heard me tell this story. I made him leave when we got back from Kansas. He moved back in 3 week's. He has been devising a scheme to get back at me and now he think's he has it. I talked to my Psychiatrist who is also my treating physician in charge of my other Dr.s I just got off of the phone with her and she is flabbergasted and want's to speak to both of them tomorrow.
I am in shock but felt for awhile that he was conniving something up. My Dr. completely supports me and is furious. She wasn't surprised though as she has heard of this happening.
My heart hurts so bad and I am at a lost. I know I can come here for support so here I am. I hope and pray that nobody on here has had to go through this.
so very sorry
we are here for you
The first time I ever went to a doctor about my nerves, he gave me zanax, (it didn't help) but he did say" the number 1 reason I see people here with anxiety is due to family issues."
I have hope things will get resolved. Welcome him to this forum, so he can see for himself how serious this disease is.
with all his studying did he bother to become an expert on AS?
hold your ground............
Pea,
ask your hubby to talk to one of the men posting here.
I sure hope that he reconsiders.
Lon
Sorry Pea
I hope your psychiatrist will help them understand and be more supportive. Good Luck!
Hugs, dear. I understand. My husband has moments when he lashes out and says I'm 'Munchausen-ing' myself. But your husband seems a little more malicious about it, by recruiting your MIL. I hope your doc can talk some sense into them. ((((Pea))))
Hi pea, I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is not uncommon in some relationships for the healthy one to lash out this way. Many times it is due to ignorance concerning AS, or any chronic illness, and sometimes it's just the partner wanting out of the relationship using the illness as an excuse. Has your husband ever accompanied you to your doc appointments? If not, there in lies a huge problem enabling him to ignore the situation.
This is a really tough situation to be in and there is a real need for professional intervention if you want to continue working towards a healthy relationship.
Cindy
Oh my. That is a cruel thing for him to have said to you, Pea.. and an even worse situation for you, if he actually believes that. He owes you a serious apology.
I'm afraid that there are some people who are just unable to imagine (let alone comprehend) how grim AS can be, and that is okay or at least somewhat understandable. But then there are some who don't even try, which is sad. Did he think you were just 'making a fuss' in having iritis attacks!
Karma is apt to come and bite him in the butt!
I would let him know that he hurt you with his remarks and perhaps you could ask him to join you at your next remicade infusion appt. It might sink in more, without you having to say a word.
Keep posting in here with us - we get it.
Pea,
Im so sorry!
I know you have to feel helpless and I would too just wanted you to know that we are here for you!
Hugs!
Oh my goodness my friends. I just checked back in to see what you all said. You are all so kind and so supportive. My heart is just breaking. I have spent day's packing and just trying to let it sink in. I'm crying just reading your responses. I live so isolated out in the country and with our recent snow, I have not been out or had any company.
He has been to my Dr.s appointments many,many times. He has not studied A.S. but has read articles that I gave him and talked to the Dr. about it. He understands. He is too intelligent for his own good and has a superiority complex. I have not invited him to this site although he know's that I am on it. I read some of the articles to him on here so he understands. I wanted this site for me to be able to vent and find information and find other's like me. He would just see it as me trying to back up my delusions.
He say's that he knows that I have powerful pain issues and am depressed because of things that he has done in our marriage as well as suffering 4 death's since August but he still think's I have Munchhausen's on top of it!! I gave him a devotional to read about other chronic pain suffer's having the same problems with their families and he is still being cold.
He just want's out. He sold my motorcycle and then thought he should sell his and the sailboat he just bought but he hasn't pursued it much. He want's his life back. All of my Dr.s told me that I need a warmer climate but he doesn't want to leave.
I just came out of a huge flare and we looked into getting a caretaker but he wanted everyone to believe that he could take care of his wife just fine. I think it terrified him as to how sick we can get. My mother-in-law was driving me to appt.s hoping one of the Dr.s would tell me that I was sick in the head. She was so sweet to me, I thought and then she told me this the other day! Betrayal doesn't even begin to explain how I feel. The rug has been pulled out from under me.
My husband say's he doesn't want a divorce but he is done with me???? He doesn't want to loose any money in a divorce and I need the insurance. I am going thru the disability process but that won't cover much.
My Dr. did call him last night and told him that they wouldn't be putting me on Remicade and MTX, Sulphasalazine and Prednisone if they didn't have proof. She also told him that he was very wrong in saying that I had Munchhausen and told him that his mother had called but she didn't want to talk to her or him anymore. She want's me away from him as soon as I can get out of here. I loved and trusted this man and have tried my best to be the best wife I could be. I have never let myself go even during the worst of time's. His thing's and his enjoyment are more important then taking care of me during a flare! That is a marriage vow breaker to me. He has done a lot for me to make sure I am comfortable. He hasn't always been like this but I think he is having a mid-life crisis as well.
I am so needy right now, I hate it. I can't thank you all enough for this support. You guy's are my heart.
I am leaving to be with my family. He could be a lurker on here so I won't say anymore then that until after the fact.
To you Pea,
"When the going gets tough, the tough get going..." and the weaklings want out, I'd say...
I think we live in an age of disposable everything and so that must apparently include marriages... <sigh>
Just remember the best piece of wisdom that my (somewhat less-than-supportive!) husband (in perfect health) has thrown at me:
"Chronic pain is NO EXCUSE to be in a bad mood." Yeah - he'd know for sure! Perhaps your husband is an expert like mine too???
Oh I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I think it is wise of you to go and surround yourself with people who honestly care and can be supportive. You have already been through so much, you deserve understanding and kindness. Not this.
I think illness can be terrifying to spouses (as it can be to us!), but the coldness, lack of empathy, the grave insults and egocentric belief that he knows better than your Doctors,.. that is too much.
Hang in there Pea, being away will give you time to think things through with some objectivity that distance provides. Be very good to You!
(((Hugs)))
mig
Pea, if you were in love and both made that much of a commitment. I encourage you to take care of yourself first, but if he is in a midlife change; please do not compromise your position with him.
unless you fear for safety - think about staying... It might take a year, but sometimes these guys come to their senses. I am not saying take what ever crap he gives you, I am saying, he may be worth forgiving.
I know it is not fair, but until you just can't manage, let him live with his own selfishness by being there.
Just a thought.
A forgiven husband often makes for a wonderful caregiver... if......
Hugs to you, Pea. Getting away for a few days may be good. Is hubby's sailboat a live-aboard? Maybe he could go there to live for a bit and gain a conscience? Glad he isn't talking divorce, but if the stalemate drags on, you may want to consider getting an attorney just to protect yourself. Like Lon says, he may come to his senses....
In any case....travel safely and know that we are behind you.
Pea,
rumble asked about the boat???
It is lonely thinking about such things...
but do what helps you and then you can see where he is at.
We care!!
Pea,
I just wanted to say I think it is a fantastic idea to get away AND if you can pick a password something really weird like popcorn (obviously) not that..lol this site should be a haven for YOU and you need to be able to come here for support without feeling like he could be imposing on you in here.
Please keep us updated!
Hugs!
Pea, I know what your going through, you likely read what I posted in the women section.
You need to get away - the stress your under from your husband and MIL, only adds to worsening of your health issues.
I thought I couldn't be on my own - I don't have family here to help me - but I reached out to my friends here - and other support groups in my community. At least the emotional, mental (onto me) and physical abuse (onto my medical alert service dog) has stopped.
Makaylah, I am doing alright on our own, and I believe you would do well on your own, as well.
Sending many hugs, love and lots of kisses (from Makaylah)
Gerri & Makaylah
So sorry to hear this Pea, nobody has the right to tell you how bad your pain is. Personally I have had my (ex) best friend tell me that my issues are psychosematic as in its all in my mind. At least I have a powerfull mind I guess. Just know there are people here think about you and hoping things get better.
No he couldn't live on the boat. It is way to small and unheated. He has back stepped so much and doesn't want me to leave. Say's he is sorry that he started all of this and seen how much it has tore our families apart. Going to my mother's it seem's now might not be the option that I thought it would be either. For now until I can get through some of this depression, I a going to live in my bedroom because I get extremely stressed thinking about leaving and extremely stressed about staying. I can't make any good decisions like this.
If you can't make the decision, it's best to NOT make one and just take life as it comes for a bit. Glad that your hubby saw the error of his ways. Do you have a hobby you can immerse yourself in for a time to clear your mind?
:(Hi Rumble,
You are right, right, right and that is what I decided to do. Make no decision's until my depression lift's. It just takes so darn long.
I have a ton of craft's that I used to enjoy but I don't even want to leave the bedroom right now. I have no desire to do anything. Everything look's hopeless right now. I know it's all the depression along with agoraphobia. I will start seeing a new psychologist this Thursday as mine has been gone for month's and is now sick. I don't like my Psychiatrist at all but she handles my pain med's so Thursday when I see this new psychologist, I will ask her what I should do.
Thank's for the reply! Have a blessed day!
Thank's Jan, I need all the hugs anyone wants to give.
Oh Pea
I just read this and my heart goes out to you. I wish there was some way to take your pain away. It seems so unfair all that we have to go through and then be asked to take on more. I hope you are able to break the stress, pain, depression cycle and fast. If you could put your relationship with your husband aside for a while and just worry about yourself for the time being. You need to be in a good place both body and mind before you can make good decisions.Some soul searching and time to reflect and sort everything out in your head is probably needed before you move forward. THEN on your terms meet him in a public place talk to him and then tell him what you want to do.
I hope that helps and you can work things out.
Thank's Jeff,
I just got told this morning that I am suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to my family turning on me. I called my Primary Dr. who is a Psychiatrist/Naturalpathic primary care physician. I don't trust any of these other Dr.s I am on nothing for depression and just suffer daily. There is no where for me to go right now because I can't think clearly. The pain Dr. at first though the Savella would help with the depression but now she think's it is making it worst! I don't think she know's what she is talking about so that is why I am called my primary. All I do is stay in bed and cry!
To think that just last year I was the Director of Women's Ministry's and teaching bible school and now here I am with PTSD.
Pea,
This is a brutal disease.
I would ask for a medication - cymbalta works for me..
do any of your ladies come over for prayer and fellowship:
call them, a few of the quiet but strong sisters who beleive in prayer.
Sit in the sun:
Ps 23:4
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
NKJV
Ps 61:3-4
3 For You have been a shelter for me,
A strong tower from the enemy.
4 I will abide in Your tabernacle forever;
I will trust in the shelter of Your wings.
NKJV
Ps 116:2
2 Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.
(from New International Version)
Ps 3:3-4
3 But You, O LORD, are a shield for me,
My glory and the One who lifts up my head.
4 I cried to the LORD with my voice,
And He heard me from His holy hill.
NKJV
Ps 28:7
7 The LORD is my strength and my shield;
My heart trusted in Him, and I am helped;
Therefore my heart greatly rejoices,
And with my song I will praise Him.
NKJV
Ps 100
Make a joyful shout to the LORD, all you lands!
2 Serve the LORD with gladness;
Come before His presence with singing.
3 Know that the LORD, He is God;
It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves;
We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.
4 Enter into His gates with thanksgiving,
And into His courts with praise.
Be thankful to Him, and bless His name.
5 For the LORD is good;
His mercy is everlasting,
And His truth endures to all generations.
NKJV
agape'
Br'er Lon
;)Thank's Lon for the scripture. It is all I have right now. No friends are coming by. Very disappointed in both churches that I go to right now for not calling or coming over.
The book of Job, your being tested?.... endure.
Hi Pea, I have been reading your posts but have not commented as I haven't known what to say.
I have experienced some of what you are dealing with. Hubby had me driving myself to the hospital with allergic reactions, blood clots among other things. He just didn't see the seriousness of it all. I have to say he is much better now though.
As for friends I am a cow and just keep throwing it in their face until they deal with it. It is the only way I know. Not that it works very well.
Anyway I just wanted to send my love and hope things improve for you.
All the best
xxxx
Pea, have you talked to anyone from the two churches to let them know what is going on? Perhaps they think that you don't want to see them. I think you need to talk to some of those people and give them a chance to help.
i second what donna is saying.
in 2009-2010 when i was in my worst pain and mostly at home, i reached out here, but didn't share much with my friends at work. i felt lonely and isolated, but if i had asked for their support, i'm sure in retrospect that they would have reached out. they each have young child, have been going through a lot of change in their personal lives, so i didn't want to bother them. in hind sight, i should have let them know then vs after the fact. its so easy for me to go within when i'm in trouble instead of reaching out.
if you've already tried, then i just want to say i'm sorry that no one will be there for you from the church.
Oh Pea!
This is the first time I've been to this forum so I had no idea what you were going through. I am so sorry! Having a chronic illness is bad enough as it is without your family's support. I don't come here often but I always check my personal email every day. If you're feeling really blue please drop me a line. I'd love to hear from you.
Many Hugs
Silvia
Very sorry Pea. I am not very close to my family, aside from hubby and daughters. The in-law side have never liked me. I have friends. But I don't like to overwhelm anyone, and feel oftentimes that I am doing so just by existing. I have found that those who do love me have sometimes been offended by that. It's a fine line to tread, and it usually stresses me out to do so.
My crafts and hobbies really help me distract me from pain, and focus. I urge to you find it in you somewhere, to pick up one of your favorite past times, and see if it helps to relieve the tension even a little bit.
(((hugs)))
Pea,
please call one of the ministers, tell him you need a visit. Chat for a bit and then ask him for prayer. It may be that each church thinks the other is caring for you!
I have learned the most, when my heart is sore from the grind of living.
I often write out my prayers, then read them aloud so that I am praying, not just thinking..
How can I help?
Br'er Lon
Just wrote a long update but don't know where it went! Thank you all for your caring and loving support. I hope I give half back of all that you give me.
I say you quit taking care of him! for better or worse is what I think that said.
I just read this, I know it's been a while since your last post but I am sending good wishes your way.
It has gone from bad to worst. Can't leave because I am disabled and he know's it. What he is doing is mentally abusive. He told me now that last year when I was flaring bad for 2 months was too much for him to handle but at the time was faking it making me believe all was well. He does this all the time. Tell's me things that he wouldn't at the time or hasn't told me at all and then springs it on me to hurt me. I am nothing of the person I used to be. He has kept me now in the cycle of depression and panic attacks.
Pea, I don't really know what to say, but wanted to send my support
Thank's Sue. Nobody understands what is like to have this disease accept us on the board. Now he did it again on our way down on our vacation to see my boy's. Dropped another bomb on me. We got another EMDR specialist to take us when we get back. He has a job interview down her in Sacramento and might have to take it if they offer it and it sounds like they want him already. I asked him if he really wanted to do it with our marriage in shambles and he said yes because it will help to be down here out of the cold damp climate. I am in a crazy cycle.
I thought things were better with a trip to California. I guess not. Hang in there, girl. Hope the Sacramento thing works out. If you want it to. It would make it tough to change doctors wouldn't it? Or can you drive back and forth? I guess this makes more questions than answers. Hugs to you, Pea.
Pea,
You know what is good, what is pure and what is right,keep your sense of direction, no matter what he says or does..
when you can, isolate his junk, knowing that you are the person you can take care of.. not him.
we love ya, and wish he would get some help..
Sometimes I wish I was a Mormon Pea, if I could have had more wifes than one, I'd take you in a heartbeat
(Pun intended Lon)
So sorry to see this. I wish I could do more than offer a hand but that's all I've got, well a hand and a shoulder ... Ok and one bum foot but I can still kick someone in the can with it so that's always an option.
Just going for a cheap giggle, hope it worked
and I hope your circumstances improve all the way around.
Thanks, all of you. He got a call that the job got offered to someone else. Someone local. Then he got a call from Boeing up her looking for contract work and then a call from someone else up here to work in techie city, Redmond. It wouldn't make any change for me to stay anywhere up here.
No Rumble, all of my Dr.s are at least an hour and a half away except for EMDR therapist and eye Dr. but I'm thankful they are only 40 minutes away in the next town.
Lon, my mantra is "I am a child of God". Reading the new follow-up book to "Boundries" is doing me some good. New therapist is too. She is a recovered alcoholic and I hope it will do him some good. He can relate to her in that way. She is very empathetic with me as well. She has lower back problems and a lot of patients with pain issues.
Gilth, what a sweet thing to say but you have enough on your plate with your health. I am an oldtimer with this disease and pretty tore up with it and Fibro but that was very kind. At least you understand and that is important to me.
LuvinLife, I love me some humor! Are you kidding, this girl might be in the nasty wet cold Pacific Northwest by I am a heartland girl from Kansas. Humor we do! Thanks for your reaching out. That is what this board is about.
He is slowly revealing everything! I think he might be reaching his bottom. Proof is in the pudding, as they say. I have no idea how to fix what he has done between my relationships with my daughter and son though.
I've never heard of Manchausen's disease til now, just looked it up. I haven't had the same situation at all but somewhat similar. Growing up I was always told I was a hypochondriac, that I was pretending to be sick or I was overexaggerating. Because I was told it so much I started to believe it somewhat so even if I was feeling terrible a little part of me always thought "Am I faking this somehow? Am I just making this up?"
Even now after getting diagnosed with AS I'm still a bit weary of telling people, I've only really told my family. I still try and let on that I'm just a touch stiff or tired. It's kind of hard to explain how so many little problems add up to one big problem doesn't it? I still kinda feel even if I explain to my friends that they just wouldn't get it, they wouldn't see the full impact of it. Sorry to hear your husband doesn't get it. Hopefully he'll come to understand just because he can't see the effects of your ailment doesn't mean it isn't there.
So sorry Ark that you had something similar thrown at you. It hurts when nobody believes you because you have an invisible disease. So sad. I give family and friends a page from the Spodylitis Asso. where it list the complications and I give them a little book called "But You Look Good" If they have questions, I answer them.
Thank you for sharing such a hard thing. I am glad you found the board where you know you will fit in and won't have to hide anything. We are all here for each other.
You don't know me one little wink, but I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry you are going through this VERY difficult time. There have been times I would swear my husband thinks I'm a hypochondriac,,,,,he says no, but with as many doctors as I've visited without anything concrete, I wouldn't blame him. BUT, and here's the important part,,,,he's never been cruel. Sometimes we can't help how we feel,,,,,,but we CAN help what we do and say and how we hurt people. I think I'd tell him (as calmly as I can) "you really hurt me when you are so cruel.No one deserves to be treated that way." and then turn and walk away. It might not help,,,,,but it can't hurt.
I am also a crafter,,,,,,a card maker. And I know how much joy getting all crafty and playing with paper and lace and ribbon and flowers gives me,,,,,,,sometimes when I hurt too much to sit at my craft desk, I will gather up a few supplies and go sit on my bed and do something small,,,,,make some paper flowers,,,,,or work on a simple card. So, if you can,,,,,gather a few things,,,,,,,and do your crafty stuff in your room, as much as is possible.
Hugs!!!!!! I hope he has a change of heart soon,,,,,,for that's what he needs. He's changed his mind several times with seemingly no effect. What he needs is a change of HEART.
I'll pray for him,,,,,,,AND for you
Holly
Pea, I don't see how your husband can think you're a hypocondriac when you have very concrete proof of your disease and have a fully fused C-spine... I'm afraid my GF will dump me if my condition gets worse. Hang in there.
Thank you guys. I read that it happens a lot. Men have the highest numbers of leaving their sick wives then women leaving their sick husbands.
Being a hypocondriac is one thing but having Munchhausens is another. I told him that I want a legal separation and he is really mean. Doesn't think we need anything done legally because it will cost money.
Right now I am in Fibro hell. The weather changes so much here that it really affects me. I am to the point where I just want to die. I really can't handle the pain anymore. Too late to leave as I am bedridden. It is horrible. He tell's me now after being disabled that he wants me to go back to work, that plenty of ill people work. I haven't slept in night's and cry at night from the pain. He is just mean and lashing out.
It is all overwhelming.
Oh so sorry this is getting worse rather than better. have you sought out social security or any other kind of social services support? I worry that if he leaves you flat you will be unable to find appropriate housing and care, there are programs available for the disabled but finding the programs and getting all the paperwork process is a long hard process and not something to take on when a person is at their worst. I hate to say it but it's possible you might be able to get support from a woman's domestic violence center because verbal abuse and neglect are also serious concerns. They have social workers and often connections within the social services communities and may be able to help you. If you privately seek them out and explain that you are bedridden you may be able to ask them to come to you, they are good at coming up with excuses they do it all the time. Hugs
Pea,
I am relatively new to this site and was reading your thread. I noticed that you have not posted anything since October and I hope that you are okay. While I have not been in pain as long as you have, I can relate to not being able to handle it anymore and wanting to die. I have been there and know that feeling well. But there is one thing I hold onto and that's my kids. They are what keeps me going and prevent me from doing anything to hurt myself. I (you) have to fight through this as you don't want your kids living with the memory that you killed yourself.
We all know that this disease is terrible and that nobody understands what we go through unless they have it. My wife is a nurse and I really don't think she gets it even though she went through an episode of back pain that kept her flat on her back for three years. But it got better and for us, its not likely to get better.
So keep thinking about your kids (I think I read that you have them, I hope I'm right) and the smiles that they have on their faces. I know this may not be easy but I think you need to move away from that miserable weather and find someplace with lots of sunshine. I know that those two things help me get through the toughest times.
Hang in there!
Thank's Jim,
My children are grown and I have two granddaughters that I am not allowed to see due to the blow up that started with my husband saying that I had Munchhausen. It was my daughter that started that rumor over 6 years ago unbeknownst to me. I confronted her with it and she has no contact with me now.
I would never take my life. Sometimes I want to spontaneously die due to pain or a panic attack but would never consider it.
Yes, I have not updated because sometimes it is a rollarcoaster and it wears on me but it is starting to become a lot better. I asked my husband to write me a letter of apology so I could start healing from all that he has done to me. He not only did that, he sent one to his parents, my mother, all three of my children, and the pastor and his wife. It was 5 pages long. It has really started a healing process with me. I didn't hear from my kids about it but did from my mother and he heard from his dad, and the pastor. All positive to him manning up.
My husband is going on another job interview this week down in California. I really need for him to get me out of this weather and he has made a lot of changes to insure me that he is really trying now.
I am so happy to read about the improvement in your relationship
I spoke to soon I guess. He pulled another one this last week!
Bless your heart. I have never known anyone to have the ups and downs that you do. I wish your life could get on an even keel. It would help tremendously to know what to expect from day to day.
Hugs.
Possi
Pea, I know this thread is a few months old now and I am just slowly getting around the site and reading older posts but I wanted to say that my heart goes out to you and I hope and pray that with the pain pump, things start to turn around for you, for you as an individual and for you with your family. Hugs
Thank's Supnut. A lot of my problems stem from my husband having Aspergers. He was just dx'd in December and it is a rollarcoater ride for sure. It just saps me time after time.